The train’s a pain

[Martin Cassini]

Passengers – sorry, customers – are avoiding every other South West train to and from Portsmouth because the seats are too narrow. People who do squeeze in suffer ‘physical damage and have to consult osteopaths,’ according to Penny Mordaunt, MP. But ah, says an SWT spokesman, ‘our class-450 carriages are modern, reliable, air-conditioned, and comply with strict legislation’. So that’s all right then, is it?